he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
