It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
