Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
