Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
