my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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