I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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