So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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