My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
