just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
