I faked an abortion last night.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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