Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
