oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
