I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
