Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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