It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
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