If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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