I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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