You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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