You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
