Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
