I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
