I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
