how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i barfeds in our rink
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
