the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
