im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
