She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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