Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
