when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize