Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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