wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
