is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
