i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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