The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
