Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
