I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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