There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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