sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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