i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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