dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found puke in my bra..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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