he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
