don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
NoShamevember. You game?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
