Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
