I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
