I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
NoShamevember. You game?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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