Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
...so i touched it.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
