I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize