Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize