i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
