I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
