Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
